I read all the Twilight books this week, just to see what everyone was talking about, and I don't see what the bid deal is. I admit, they are pretty good books. They are better than most of the books I’ve read (I’ve read a lot), but I know slash that is written just as well and Twilight.

Yeah, the concept of Twilight is sort of unique compared to other books around, but that's just it, BOOKS are lame. There is slash on slashatthedisco that is just as well written and far fetched as Twilight. See, there usually isn't that much diversity in the young adult section of your local book store, for this reason, I believe Twilight became so popular. But slash is the most diverse literature I’ve ever heard of. In fact, when reading Twilight, at some points I was thinking "I swear I read something exactly like this in a slash".

I watched a youtube video of a HUGE CROWD SCREAMING LIKE LITTLE FAN GIRLS for Stephenie Meyer and the whole time I was thinking, if she deserves that, then so do all the wonderful slash authors on slashatthedisco. Also, I would like to say that if some of you slash writers made your slash into books, you have the potential to be the next Stephenie Meyer. No joke. There aren’t books out there like the stories you write. Some of you have the most unique plot lines and situations EVER and most of you have this amazing talent of being able to write about ANYTHING and make it absolutely beautiful. If you made your ideas into a BOOK that people could BUY with MONEY than I’m almost positive that you will be rich and famous in a year, tops.

O.k. so to sum this rant up:
-I think Twilight is just a big deal because there aren't many BOOKS like it.
-I believe there is slash that has more unique plot lines than Twilight.
-I believe there is slash that is just written better than Twilight.
-I believe the only reason these slash stories are not as popular as the Twilight series is because they are not BOOKS that you BUY at a STORE with MONEY.
-I think that slash authors should try to make there stories into books.
-I want to let slash authors know that I appreciate them, and they have crazy ass fans just like Stephenie Meyer
-I believe that PORN IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!

Happy thanksgiving!
Happy birthday Chloe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A RANT BY AMY!

im no Jesus freak, but im Christian. i sin a lot, so i decided a long time ago not to have sex before marriage. my thought behind the decision was "well this seems like one of the easiest 10 commandments to follow (besides the whole murder thing), so lets stick to it!" sence then, though, i found a lot more benefits to staying a virgin. like, its impossible to get a sexually transmitted disease, get pregnant, and it sorts out a lot of the scum bag men. if your dating some guy and you tell him that you dont wanna have sex till u get married and he dumps you on the spot, then he obviously doesnt love you. also, it adds a lot more depth to your relationship with someone. you can be positive that you love someone because of their personality and what you have in common with them, not just cause u like the way they fuck. i dont like it when people call sex "making love". sex should be "making babies" not "love". you may really and truly believe that you love someone and they love you, but u may just love the way they fuck and they may love the way you fuck. i dont think that that that is something that a relation ship should be based on. also, i dont like it when artists make such beautiful music about something as stupid and caveman-like as fucking. i mean, there are more beautiful things in the world to sing about than sex. how about real love not influenced by sexual performance. besides, i dont care who you are, your pussy is gross. no matter who u r or what you do to it, your pussy will always be gross. also, sex is not necessary to staying healthy, some people think it is. but this is all just my opinion so if you, unlike me, choose to have sex b4 marriage, then im not gonna diss you, cuz i really dont care, cuz i have no control over you. hell, i dont even no you...

young adult mj b kool.
me sad cry cry cuz (im upset because) panik no ! on (panic at the disco is on) no music television (mtv)

i hate it when emo and/or scene boys date preppy chicks just cuz there "hot" or "nice and/or sweet"...... ugh. (lol)
i mean that really shows that they dont care at all about having common interests with whoever there in a relationship with. i mean, if i had a boyfriend (like that will ever happen!) i would want him to consider me a friend, not just a girlfriend. i hope he can tell me everything he can tell his other friends. but for me to be friends with someone, we have to have some common interests. i dont think some guy who looks like this  


and some girl who looks like this


have much in common....

im thinking about writing this realistic fiction thingy on here (not a fan fic) but im not gonna do it unless i hear from you guys about it so if u want some tell me.


p.s. she is not the new emo queen

wow im really bored and im sure one person at the most will read this so ima write whatever pops into my head about the life i wished i lived and call it a one shot. i would say "enjoy" but it seems pretty pointless cuz no one is there.



we were driving in a moss green toyota down a street so bright it hurt your eyes. the bumper was about to fall off. the smell of mint gum, lysol, countless fruit flavored candies and true love filled the air. it almost choked you as it slithered down your windpipe and into your lungs, were it was picked up by blood cells, like lonely hitchhikers, and carried to the rest of your body. it made you feel sick, but you wouldnt give it up for the world. the radio was too loud but we didnt really have any idea what it was playing, even though we were singing along. who needs drugs when you were born on a high? totally wasted b4 you could walk. this was the life we dreamed of. this was our plan. Harvard here we come. jumped out of the car, skipping down the sidewalk of a busy downtown street. cars rushing buy as we staggered about. we were singing the soundtrack of the thoughts in our head, some kind of screamo-powerpop mixture. this was the life. we asked a hobo with cool gloves if he would be our friend. he cursed us in some sort of russian toung and threw a large chunk of wood at our noggins. we ran, holding our baggy skinny jeans up as we rode the air. tic tacs rattling in our pockets. we loved tic tacs. they wouldnt let us into any of the nice clubs because we didnt meet the dress code, like some sort of fucking private school. we wondered the streets into the wee hours of the night, greeting the many cops along our way. why didnt the mall stay open 24/7? the rocket summer was blasting in our heads like giant radioactive rubber pants. dont deny our pants. if you watch invader zim, you get us. hands down. our many discussions were as strange and pointless as the words im typing right now. big fun. finally, after leaving our marks on a few places with a thick black marker, we headed back to his house. his parents were in Germany or something, away on business as usual, and mine thought he was gay. at least his parents were loaded and didnt mind to give some green to there son Whats-His-Face. dont worry though, nothing was going to happen, we were too good for that. we dont have to take our close off to have a good time. we do the opposite in fact. we dress each other up and make faces at the camera. well get a piece of paper and create a work of art entirely out of words. two heads are better than one, especially if there both fucking insane. when the party slows down, break out the ice cream and the jack black dvds. doesnt take long till were dancing on the couch once again. video chat with our buds that moved away years ago who think we worship the devil. big fun. big fun. we tease our multi-colored hair and share makeup and clothes. hes a boy if you havent figured it out yet. we never wear make up to look more beautiful, we wear it to look inhuman. just like macheenzzz shouldnt be used to make pplz voice sound better, it should be used to make it sound awesome. if your gonna lie, make sure people know it. then they wont hate you as much. after that, we take the make off, to show that actual natural humans can be beautiful too. some people dont know that. all the all the internet queens have two pounds of make up on when they go for a "natural look". lyk gag me with a spoon. yeah life sucks when your short and ugly. through all of this lovely chaos we never shut our mouths. world changing words spew from them like pea soup from a demon child. good thing no one is listening, we might just help someone other then ourselves. jam that cookie in your mouth. turn on the telli, ask a question, change the channel. see if the ponder is answered. roll on the floor laughing at nothing. killz the pain for a little. just dont think about it and it will go away. the voices in your head are nothing but dust mites. this is what happens when summer comes. 


wow?you like?yes? no?......nah prob not yo

1. no

2. i grew up around my older siblings. if i had to categorize them i would say my sister (who is 13 years older than me) is indie-goth and my brother (who is 10 years older than me) is....... well i have no idea what my brother is. i just know that he refuses to listen to any band that has ever been on the radio and he only shops at thrift stores even though he can afford not to. they were both born in the 80s, they both liked Invader Zim, and they both like rock-ish music. they influenced me a lot growing up, by making me watch awesome 80s movies and making me mix tapes, but eventually they had to go to college, so i didnt see them as much. my love for rock soon died because my 52 year old mom only likes rap and my dad likes country (barf). one day i heard "sugar we're goin down" by fall out boy on the radio and i kinda liked so i bought the cd. BEFORE I LISTENED TO IT, i put it in my comp to download onto itunes. while i waited, i read thru the lyric book and, as emo as it may sound, burst into tears. at that point, that was the deepest and most poetic thing i had ever payed any attention to. i started to research fall out boy and the genre and the scene that came along with it. many people called them emo. i had never heard that word before. i did my homework on emo and started to secretly think of myself as emo. i wouldnt tell anyone that, though, because i knew that it was often looked down on. i started dressing emo and also wearing A LOT of band merch and i attracted some new friends at school. they turned me on to buzznet. here i learned about scene and quickly dropped the emo label because there were to many misconceptions about it. now, if i HAD TO label myself (witch i dont really like doing because of all the misconceptions out there) i would say im scene. i like emo music and techno-ish music and bright colors and big cool hair and the 1980s...

3. my parents think they know all about it (because they think im just like my siblings) and they think its just a phase and its "cute". no joke. i just let them think what they want. it doesnt really matter to me.

4. EMO = sad, depressed, wanting 2 end your life. thinking life sucks and doing nothing about it but complaining.   SCENE = knowing life is a bitch, but dealing with it and REALLY enjoying the few GOOD things in life! scene kids usually dress in an emo style and listen to emo music, but most of the time they r happy-er/hyper-er, wear bright colors, have bigger and more colorful hair, and listen to tecno-ish music along with emo music. emo & scene are similar, but they ARE NOT the same thing. also, just cuz u cut yourself doesn't mean ur emo and just cuz ur emo doesn't mean u cut yourself.

5. most punks and metal heads and goths tend to hate emo/scene kids and think of them as "gay pussies". i really dont think any of those groups should be talking though. some of them will KILL complete strangers just cause they see them as emo or scene. i really think its just mindless violence and its really terrible. i dont understand how you can take another persons life just because of different music interests. its the holocaust all over again. people need to calm down.

6. no. i tend to get along with most groups cause of my background. i have prep friends from before i learned about emo/scene. i know all the rap songs the ghetto kids like because of my mom. i have some jock friends cause i play softball. i get along with emo kids because i used to be one. i get along with scene kids because we have common interests. i also get along with punks, indies, metal heads, hardcore kids, and goths (even if they are way older than me) because i grew up with my siblings.

7. the posers are the kids who cut themselves and go around saying "im soo0o0o0o0o0 emoooo!!!" even though they have a perfectly fine life and they act, talk, and dress completely normal. if you ask them what emo means they say emo means you cut yourself (THAT IS A LIE!!!!!). they just want friends and attention. they think that they are going to be accepted by emo kids just cause they have some scratches on their wrists. they are the kids who give emo a bad name! they make me really mad! >:O

i hope this helps and wasnt too long :/

im not good with names so the girl in this thing will just be referred to as "she" and "her" and stuff k? also im really bored so i really dont give a shit. just passing time haha
                                                                                                                                                                                                

she laid there on the fuzzy light green carpet. her head rested on a stiff tan pillow, her rich wavy brown hair flung out in all directions. her right arm was folded across her body. she tapped a beat on her stomach. her left arm extended out, snapping her fingers next to brendons shiny brown shoes. to her right the fire burned bright in the fireplace. she knew chicago was cold, but not this cold. when she looked past the dirty white toes on her old beat-up chucks, she could see peter and patty sitting on an old love seat that matched her pillow. ryan was sitting near her head on a similar chair. he looked uncomfortable, but she had noticed that he always looked that way. and brendon, by his lonesome, was seated to her left in a big fluffy recliner. he looked so satisfied, with his big goofy smile and wild eyebrows, as he stole a few glances of her clearly bored-to-death face. a conversation droned on, till it was just a buzzing in her ear, like when you know there is a fly somewhere in the room but you cant find it. thats how the whole night had seemed, at least to her. she always wanted to just be near the stars she fell in love with at such a young age, but as she grew old enough to do that, they just grew older. her heart felt a little heavy as she looked at the aged faces of her lost loves. pete, well into his thirties and onto his second wife, had most likely aged the most. after all, he did go through an ugly divorce and custody battle for his two children. a happy baby girl, about five, with big bows in her light-as-air brown hair, and a loud little boy, wobbly with every step at the adorable age of two and three quarters. he had curly blonde hair, but his daddy's eyes. you could even see a few wirey gray hairs jutting from peters hairline. when he smiled his face looked like a raisin. patrick hadnt changed much, other than his terribly thinning hair. it almost was just a strawberry blonde haze around his face. even though ryan was older than brendon, you couldnt really tell. ryans baby face kept him well preserved. she loved to watch the little crows feet dart out from the sides of brendons eyes when he was happy. those boys had too many good times, unfortunately many of them happened before her time. her head ached from imagining herself into the time where they toured in a white van and slept on basement floors. sometimes she wondered if she wasted her whole life aspiring to live in someone elses past. she swept those thoughts out of her head like dust under a screen door and tried to focus on what was happening now. but that was the thing, nothing was happening! they were just having an adult conversation. gas this, economy that, government, bla bla bla bla bla! she, almost rudely, interrupted. she was fed up of all this! no, she was fed up of what all it wasnt! not actually angry at the boys, but at herself for possibly throwing her life away, she stood and let it all out. "ok just shut up! you guys are fucking rockstars for petes sake, no pun intended pete. do something spontaneous and, and, and........ like yourself! sense when did fall out boy become fall out..... OLD MAN! like in the 'help! i've fallen and i cant get up!' kind of way. and you two," she said pointing in ryan and brendons direction, "all hope was lost for you when the exclamation point walked out!" a smile sneaked across her face when she saw the shocked and almost disgusted expression on patricks face. "thats right, lunchbox" she said with a giggle, her moods changed faster than texas weather. she took another breath in to splurt out another half-assed witty remark, but it was all waisted on a shrill scream. brendon had scooped her up (halfway tackled her) and spun her around. when she opened her eyes, she was in brendons arms and he was carrying her up the stairs in the corner of the room. when he got to the top he plopped her down and flashed a huge bright smile. it hurt her eyes in the dark hall, but she had a smile just as great on her face, because in brendons eyes she could see the lost ark, the buried treasure she had been searching for sense she was a pre-teen, that she was almost convinced didnt exist. she didnt see and old burnt up star like she saw in the shriveled faces of the others , she saw... brendon. the same brendon she had loved most of her life. she realized that she had been staring into brendons shining eyes for a good while now, and she could she his face growing worried. she quickly wiped the smile off her face and stared down at her feet. then she looked up at him once again, eyes wilder than ever. she didnt want to jump to the conclusion that brendon fancied her just because he had played along with her little tantrum, but maybe she could drop some hints that she liked him, but at the same time making it all look like a joke. it was the little game everyone seemed to love to play. as she stared at brendon, her fingers curled into a fist. she whisked around to face the wall and started to bang on it, hard, with her fist and make some loud gaspy-panty noises and shout brendons name. she stopped for a second to look at brendon. his eyes were wide with shock and confusion but he caught on when she raised her eyebrows and tiled her head towards the stairs. brendon began to nervously make some noises of his own, calling her name. she struggled to hold in girly giggles as she sped up the tempo of her fist on the wall and raised her voice. then, as suddenly as she began, she stopped. she turned to brendon, with "love" written all over her face. she wrapped her arms around his neck and flung her legs into the air, he caught them. they held back furious grins as they trotted down the stairs. patricks face look as if he was a mother gazing at her "little babys" first tattoo. pete just had a....... almost creepy......... smile, and ryan had is head in his hands, his back surged from held back laughter. everyones reactions just added to the hilariousness of the moment for brendon and her. her lip turned white from how hard she was biting it, to keep from falling on the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter. brendon carried her though the room and took his rightful place in the over-sized recliner, but this time with her in his lap. he looked more satisfied than ever.        
                                                                                                                                                                                     

ya i know it has no ending but its not like anybody reads this crap anyway lol

dude everything and everyone is sooooo fucked up right now!!!!! my best friends are like having sex with people and we are only 12!!! when the hell did having sex with 1 of your guy friends in the 7th grade become "o.k."?!?!?!?!? and no1 even thinks its weird at all!!!!!!! last year there were like 4 pregnant girls in my grade.... 6TH FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKTARD GRADE!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERY1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seroiusly has it been this way forever??? like when your a little kid you get such a wrong idea of the world! you think that there is a scertin set of rules that every1 follows and there are something that you JUST DONT do.... but then by the time your ten your friends are being sent to private schools cause they got caught smoking weed in the bathroom!!!!! its just everyhitng is so fucking messed up!!!! there is sex and drugs and alcohol all around me and people are cutting themselves and writing suicide notes and it doesnt even faze us!!!!!! why the hell is the world like this!!!! its wrong and messed up and there is nothing we can do about it!!!! the older you get the stupider you act so whats the point of even living long enough to grow up?!?!?!? i mean, is the world this screwed up everywhere or is it just my school? is this really normal? is this what we have become??? having sex with your "friends" in the 7th grade is NOT RIGHT. doing drugs at any age is NOT RIGHT (that includes weed too). getting drunk in the 6th grade is NOT RIGHT. or at least thats what i thought....... but no1 else seems to think like that anymore. its just insane to me.

and i just watched this interview of the red jumpsuit apparatus... man i used to love that band. i know like every song by heart and i would listen to the cd constantly.... but i never knew much about the actual band. so i was watching this interview and the WHOLE DAMN THING WAS ABOUT GETTING HIGH WITH 30 SECS. TO MARS!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN, WE LOOK UP TO THESE PEOPLE THAT WE THINK ARE "GREAT ARTISTS" BUT THEY ARE ALL FUCKED UP TOO!!!! i mean if it was just an occasional blunt that would be fine.... but NO! they were smoking weed while crossing a freakn boarder!!!!!! i mean, if you are smoking weed while crossing a boarder, then you must be smoking weed ALL THE TIME. even thats ALMOST OK if you are their age.... but now TEN YEAR OLDS are doing the exact same thing and not thinking twice about it! is nothing off limits any more? is nothing wrong any more? what the hell is going on? i just dont think i can live in this world when peoples minds and ideas of what is right and wrong is so fucked up. i miss my inoccence. i feel like its just gone. and i didnt even do anything!!!! this world makes me feel dirty and sick to the stomach and its just fucked up. thats all i can say about it................... FUCKED UP!

but is this really how the real world is? is doing all this shit so young normal? even if it is normal, im not gonna let it change my mind. i'll be a freakn' goody two shoes till the day i die. its just, if the world really like this, and all this stuff SO YOUNG is NORMAL, then whats the point of..........  anything? seriously, is nothing wrong or off limits any more? were so YOUNG but so SCREWED UP! next thing you know, murder is going to be legal. i need a reality check. is this really what we have become? is this how is from here on out? please tell me.

- amy o_0

IM SO NERD!!! (sung to "im so hood")

IM SO NERD!!!
I WEAR MY PANTS ABOVE MY WAIST!
I WEAR MY GLASSES ON MY FACE!
EVERY TEST I TAKE I ACE!
IM SO NERD!
I GOT THESE BRACES IN MY MOUTH
.......... sumthin sumthin.....................
NERD!
AND IF YOU FEEL ME PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
(NER-ERD)
CHESS CLUB,
CAN YOU STAND UP?!
(NERD)
............. sumthin sumthin..............
THE END!!!

HELP ME FINISH THIS PLEASE!!!!!!
luvz ya
- amy

ya so my whole life, i have been living a seprate life inside my head. ya kinda weird i no, but living an awesome life inside my head makes my crappy life almost o.k. i just wanna keep hope alive you no? when i play out this little perfect day in my head, it makes me happy cause i think to myself "ya one day that'll happen. dude that will be soo kickass. i just gotta wait" but then im lyk "wait, hold up a sec... THAT WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!" im never gonna meet (or be friends with) any of the famous ppl i love. im never gonna b skinny. im never gonna have cool hair. i'll never be strong. theres no way i can keep my grades high. i'll never b attractive. i'll never b rich. i'll never get married. i'll never have kids. i'll never do all the things i say i'll do. im never gonna meet the right guy (and if i do, he'll be gay or hate me). im never gonna sing well. i'll never play an instrument. i'll never beat guitar hero on hard or expert. i'll never be in a band. i'll never go to church enuff. i'll never be holy enuf. i'll never be famous. i'll never have a boyfriend. i'll never have cool friends. i'll never be able to dance well. i'll never win a swimming race. i'll never be a good driver. i'll never know as much as i act like i no. im never gonna go to harvard. the list gos on forever......... & i'll probably die some horrable death and get kicked out of heaven for cussing.
it feels horrable to have been building your own hopes up (with out noing your doing it) and then ripping them down. i've always just automatically thought that things would get better. i just now realized that nothing i want to happen will ever happen. and if it does, im the fucking luckiest person in the whole fucking world. i wish buzznet were a place. why cant we just sleep forever and insted of living a real boring uneventful and/or horrable life, just dream up our own reality. bottom line is, nothing will ever happen for me. and im really scared that i'll be murdered or sumthing. so, reach for your dreams (my ass.) hey reality, you suck!!!!!!!

i wrote this because i was bored and to freak you out by dropping you in the middle of a slash that you know nothing about! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!as brendon woke up the next morning he had a horrible hang over. he couldnt even move. he wuz trapped there spoonning with pete, whom he still hadn't 4gave. and brendon was even more pissed after he ralized how pete must have taken advantge of him while he wuz drunk. brendon wuz really pissed as he slowly got a faint memory of the night b4. he wanted 2 kill pete 4 being such a bitch. pete knew that brendon wouldnt refuse wen he wuz druk and pete wuz  low enuf to actually take advantage of that. brendon wuz even madder at himself 4 letting it happen. he knew he shouldnt have come 2 chicago. he knew he shouldnt have come to the party. he new he shoulndt have talked 2 pete. he knew he shouldnt have had that last drink. he wuz even a lil' mad at jon for dragging him 2 this fucking party. fuck, he tought 2 himself. he wuz just mad.  mad at the world. he wanted 2 die. he wanted pete 2 die. he just wanted every thing 2 stop. he wanted 2 go bak in time and stop it all from happening. God, if he could go bak in time he would probably stop the band from ever meeting pete, even if that meant never haveing fame. he would do any thing right now. he just hated pete so much. he wanted 2 never be born. he wanted all the shame 2 go away and he wanted this man whore called pete off of him. he wanted 2 go in the shower and wash off all existance of pete from memory. he wanted 2 wash off the guilt and the mistakes and the stupidity and the wrongs and shame and sex and and the scratches and the scars and every thing. he wanted 2 start new by getting rid of his past. by getting rid of pete. he hated pete so much right now. he wanted pete 2 drop off the face of the earth. the wanted pete 2 die. he wanted 2 kill pete. he wuz so mad and not all of the alchohal had worked its way out of him system. he couldnt think straight and all he thought of wuz his hate twards pete. he could kill pete right now.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
 
brendon finally got enuf strenth 2 pull him self out of petes bed. just gentile enuf not 2 wake the sleeping peter on the other end. brendon scrambled to pick his boxers up off the floor and put them on. he kreped out of petes room and down the stairs and into the kitchen. he went thru petes droors of wut little silver wear he had. he pulled out every knife in the house. he examened every 1 until he found the sharpest, most intimmindating looking 1. he thought about wut he wuz doing. wut wuz he doing? he wasnt really going 2 kill sum 2, wuz he? even if it wuz pete, wuz it really worth a life in prison? could he get away with it? wut about all the peole who still liked that man-witch pete? wut about patrick and andy and joe and ........... ryan? he didnt no wut wuz happening. he told himself that he wuznt going 2 do it, yet his feet still lead him up the stairs, knife in hand. as he got closer 2 petes room he told himself that he would just stand there with the knife and wait till pete woke up. freak him out enuf 2 get him 2 stay away. but wen he stood over pete he couldnt take it. pete wuz laying in the bed completely naked with a sheet wrapped around him and a stupid smile on his face. a smile of victory. a smile of happyness about takeing advantage of a young kid who didnt no wut 2 think. a smile of getting wut he wanted. a smile of getting under brendons skin just 4 his own sick plesure. pete had won. pete had beat brendon. brendon couldnt take it. he always got wut he wanted. all thoughts vanished from brendons head and all that wuz left wuz hate. with a scream brendon raise the knife high above his head. this scream woke pete up just in time 2 watched himsef get stabbed in the chest. he screamed and gaspt 4 air and his heart bleed out. he looked at the nife, now covered in blood still in his chest. then his eyes moved toward brendon, who hadnt yet realized wut he had realy done. pete stared into brendons eyes and brendon stared bak with a crazed look in his eye. as pete exhaled his last breath he whispered, "i love u and i always will. see u in hell." then pete closed his eyes and drifted away peacefully... with a smile on his face.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

brendon still hadn't realized wut he had done. he yanked the blood cover knife out of petes lifeless chest and shoved it bak in again and again. over and over. his rage excaping with every stab. he kept going. b4 he knew it there wus 13 stabs, then 15, then 20. he tired himself out and finally stopped. he looked at all the blood. the blood on petes once spottles white bed. the blood that had splatterd on the walls. petes own blood coverd pete. and then he looked at himself, drenched in petes blood. all the emotions started racing bak. wut had he done? wut wuz he going 2 do? why did he do it? questions like these struk him like lightning. he didnt no the answer 2 any of them. he broke into tears and fell onto pete, who still had a smile on his face. he didnt care about how much he hated pete. all he cared about right now wuz himself. had he really killed sum 1? he raised his head off of petes bloody chest and looked around the room, still sobbing. yes, he had killed sum 1. there wuz no going bak now. he could wish 2 go bak in time and stop it all from happening, but wishes r 4 walt disney, not a youg man who had just killed his gay lover. he started asking himself y he did it. he started screaming "WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!", still crying uncontrollably. he realized that he couldnt think about that right now. right now he had 2 figure out wut he wuz going 2 do next. how was he going to get away from this? wut is done is done, but he could still try 2 cover it up. he didnt mean 2 do wut he did, but he did it. there wuz no use just laying on top of this dead man and crying. but thats all he did. he just stayed there and cryed 4 wut seemed like hours. he disided he couldnt live with him self. "i fucking killed pete." he whispered thru his last few tears, "peter lewis fucking wentz. i killled him. i killed sum 1." he contiued. wut the hell wuz he going 2 do now? wut next? he wuz almost sure that he wuz going 2 get cuaght. who else could the death be blamed on? all fingers were going 2 point 2 him. people were going 2 hate him almost as much as he hated himself. he hated himself. that self hated came roling bak. he raised his head out of his hands that were rested on pete. his eyes fell on the murder weapon. if he had already taken one life, why not take another? he slowly raised his hand and wrapped his fingers around the red soaked knife. he once again pulled out of petes flesh and raised into the air. this time, though, he aimed the knife at his own heart.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

brendon closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. the knife was in the air and he wuz ready. all of a suden he opened his eyes. wait, he thought. i already have 1 death on my hands, do i really want another. he wuz tired of death, he wuz tired of killing, he wuz tired of hate. but all those things were all around him. he used all his strenth 2 put the knife gently on the bed. he got up and paced the room, witch seemed 2 be painted red. there wuz so much blood. brendon couldnt take it. he wanted petes blood off of him. he wanted 2 feel clean, or at least as clean as u can feel after u just killed sum 1. he disided that he could take a shower and think about things without having to look at petes cold lifeless body. he walked around the bed and into the white bathroom on the other side. he noticed his feet were tracking blood in and he quickly wiped it up. he turned the shower on as hot as it could go. he removed his boxers and stepped it. it hurt, bad. but he needed it. he felt so bad about wut he did. not because he loved pete, but because he had actually killed sum1. now that he didnt have pete 2 hate, all his hate was directed at himself. "u stupid fucking retard," he said to himself as he made a fist trying 2 stand the pain of the water. he watched the blood run off of him and down the drain. swirling like all the thoughts in his head. "fuck..." he thought. the water hurt so bad, but he didnt care. steam raised into the air and into his lungs, he wished it wuz toxic gas that would kill him slowly and painfully. "wut the hell did u do?" he said as he grited his teeth. he wuz turning red from the heat of the water. even tho all the blood wuz gone he still didnt feel clean. he would never feel clean again. he killed sum1. that would never change. "u should have killed yourself , not him." he scolded. "...so  fucking stupid" he hissed. he wuz beginning 2 get dizzy from the heat. finally he reached down and turned off the water. all the heat had made him weak. he put his boxers bak on and sat on the toilet cover with his head in his hands. "wut the hell r u going 2 do now, urie?" he said, about to cry again. no ideas came, only tears.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

"wut the fuck am i going to do now?", brendon sobbed into his palms. "im like those crazy phycos on the crime tv shows. how did this happen?" then brendon got an idea. in one of those crime shows, the murderer killed this guy and made it all look like the victim comitted suicide. brendon was desprate and thought it wuz worth a shot sence pete had tried to kill himself b4, it may just be believable. with not much thought, brendon picked him self up off the toilet. first, he had 2 get rid of his bloody foot steps that were tracked all over the room. he retraced his steps, scrubbing all the stains off with a damp rag, trying not 2 look at pete. after that, he had 2 do sum thing about the knife that had his figerprints all over  it. he took it and washed it in the sink and picked it bak up with the rag so nun of his fingerprints would be put on it again. he got a lil' bloody so it looked used and then he layed it in petes hand. now he just had 2 fix a few details and write a suicide note. brendon retraced every step he had made sence that morning and he eraced evry sign that he wuz there. he even made the bed up 2 look like only pete had slept in it all nite. now came the hard part, the note. it wuz gonna be hard 2 copy petes talent and sloppy hand writing. brendon found a scrap of paper and later pulled a pen out of petes pants that were in a pile on the floor. brendon sat at a desk in the far corner of the room and thought 4 a bit about wut he would write. after coming up with sum thing that sounded remotely like wut pete would say he scratched it on the paper and tried 2 mimik petes handwriting. basicly it said that pete was tired of the struggle and pain life and just wanted it to end. he said goodbye 2 all his friends and family and told them not 2 blame themselves. he told them that he wanted to be anywhere but the world he lived in. wen brendon wuz happy with it he walked over 2 pete and put it in his other hand. brendon was feeling a little better about his situation and he picked his clothes off the floor and put them on. he walked down stairs and opend the front door a crack and looked around. wen he saw the coast wuz clear he walked outside and shut the door behind him, still trying 2 get images of petes dead body out of his head. as he walked to the closest hotel he thought of a story to tell every 1 about how he left the party shortly after jon refused 2 take him home. he would tell every 1 that he walked himself 2 the hotel and slept there 4 the night. he had it all planned out and he wuz praying 2 God that he would get away with it. then he felt bad cause after u kill sum 1 u dont exactly feel like your on God's good side. brendon still hoped with all his heart that he wuz going 2 get away with this. it wuz a mistake and he didnt mean 2 kill pete. sum thing just came over him. but wut is done is done, and brendon had done every thing he could 2 make it look like he had no part in it. then suddenly brendon remembered the end of that certain crime tv show episode he stole ideas from earlier. the killer got caught of course, the killer always gets caught.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

BRENDONS P.O.V.
i eventually reached a nasty run down motel. i lafed a lil', thinking about how much it reminded me of "build god, then we'll talk". a chunky woman with a strange hairdo sitting on top of her head and too much make up wus sitting behind a taky pinkish counter fileing her long neon green nails. she looked at me like she was confused that i didnt have sum slut with me wen i rented a cheap room. i handed her sum money and she tossed me sum keys and said "room nine". with out a word i walked down the hall and found the door with a lop-sided "9" nailed 2 it.
i opened the door with the key and flopped down on a dirty chair that made a strange noise under my weight. i thought about wut i should do next. i should just wait here 4 a while. i'll call jon L8er and tell him the story i made up about leaving the party and coming here last night. right now i could watch tv and try 2 clear my head.i could even work out sum details of my story and think of answers 2 any questions they can throw at me.

RYANS P.O.V.
petes party was fun. i had a great time seeing all my friends. after the party i said bye 2 pete and went home 2 go 2 bed. brendon still seemed mad at me at the party though. i dont no y. i said i was sorry and its not like i raped him. i didnt want it 2 go that far but is was the heat of the moment, and he didnt even tell me 2 stop. he wanted it and he got it. it wasnt my fault.
i was lonely and bored tho, so i was getting ready 2 go 2 petes house. i wanted 2 hang out with him and talk. i wanted 2 be in his arms again. i wanted 2 hear his voice. i wanted 2 see his smile. i couldnt stand being away from pete 4 very long any more. i tried calling his cell but no 1 answered. i started 2 worry.he always answer his phone 2 me. wut if he had sum 1 stay over. wut if he slept with that blonde slut in the FOB t shirt! i relized i was jumping 2 conclusions. i still kept getting ready 2 go tho. i didnt need 2 call pete 4 permision 2 come 2 his house. we were closer that that. i put on my hat and a scarf and jumped in my car. i drove away from my house, headed 2 the man i loved more than life. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
 
ryans p.o.v.
wow. a drive to petes never seemed to take so long. why am i hitting every red light? why is the old lady in front of me driving like she has no legs? why wont pete answer his fucking cell phone? he ALWAYS answers his cell phone. something just seems so wrong. i bet he did sleep with that trashy blonde. ugh im gonna kill that boy!

brendons p.o.v.
i sat in that hotel room for a while. 3 hours at least. snapshots of petes blood soaked body kept coming to me. i may have thrown up a time or two, but i couldnt be sure. i couldnt be sure about anything, especially my racing thoughts. i didnt even know what i was thinking any more. its almost as if i died sitting right there in that chair. all i could see was petes lips forming the words "see you in hell". now i was sure that i threw up. i even had a handy-dandy up-chuck pail by my chair that i didnt remember getting.
i jumped three feet into the air when my phone rang. "i gotta change that fucking ring tone..." i mumbled to myself as i reached for my my phone. the caller ID said "J-WALK" shit! shit! shit! do i answer it? if i dont it will be akward cuz i always answer my phone but if i do i may fuck my story up. fuck! it was on the second to last ring by the time i could think straight. i took a deep breath an answered. "hello?" i tried to say it as normally as possible, but my voice cracked. it sounded more like "hello-000!" damn, i havent done that sence i was 14.
"brendon??" jon almost laughed on the other line.
"yeah..." i said back in a lower voice than normal.
"hey man, im sorry about last night. i shouldnt have left you there. i was a real douche. did you ever find a ride home?"
i tried to say it so it didnt sound rehearsed, "no, but i left sorta right after you did. i walked down the street to this little motel. i dont think any body saw me leave or noticed i was gone."
"aw im sorry man. do you want me to come pick you up?"
i didnt want to leave just yet. i dont think i was prepared to act normally in front of people yet. images of petes cold dead smile were still in my head, but if i said no then jon would no something was wrong. "yeah that would be cool."
"k, where are you?"
"corner of forth and freemont stree-shit! uh......i mean........... hell! i dont know where this place is! its just like two blocks from petes house. you'll find it..."
jon chuckled. that was a good sign... i guess. "o.k. man, see you there"
"yeah"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

ok, so the other day in social studies i was listening 2 my teacher (yes, i actually do that sometimes) and she was talking about Budhism (sp?) or sumthing. anyway, she said something along the lines of this: "when we r happy, we prance around like 5 year olds completely content with the world and enjoying ourselves and we dont question anything because we have no need to want to change things because we are happy the way they are, but when we see pain and suffering, we ask why things are the way they are. we ask questions and seek answers leading to discovery and positive change." my teacher also always loves to show us that thinking is wut caused us to do of all the great things in this world, and if we never thought than life would be nothing. but this is what i got from wut she said. if being sad makes u think, and thinking causes us to do great things, doest that mean that being sad makes the world a better place? im not sure that i get it. wut i do no tho, is that when ever i get to thinking i usually end in a worse position than where i started. first i think about things in this world and what other ppl think about them, then i think about what i think about them, and then i think about why i think what i think about them. i second guess myself and serch so deep 4 answers that i end up just completely splitting in 2 and tearing myself 2 shreds. 4 no real reason. im pretty sure i over annalize just about every thing, i think. and how the hell is that supost to cause me to do great things? unless u consider this journal great... and if u do than u need 2 stop and think yourself haha.
also, im thinking about what she said about being happy. shes pretty much right. im usually happiest when im around my friends doing the stupidest stuff and not useing my head at all. and when im bummed and in deep thought i see happy ppl and they look like idiots to me. like they look completely ignorant and oblivious to the fucked up world around them. now im not saying being happy is bad (unless u r in denial of sumthing and smiling your ass off all the time or sum shit like that) but does that mean that being happy is stupid? or does being stupid make u happy? well i feel stupid right now, but i sure aint happy.

 - amy o_0

all my life i've had everything i need. almost everything i wanted, i got, with little to no effort from me. nothing that bad has ever really happened to me, so i really have no reason 2 b dark at all, right? 4 sum reason tho, it seems that all the spoiled rotten pampered kids (like me) almost always end up sum wut dark. the kids who never had 2 work 4 wut they want seem 2 turn out more dark than kids who struggled and worked through there whole lives. like the kids growing up in the projects or the kids with abusive parents or the kids who had a terrible tragety happen 2 them that made life hell. they always seem 2 turn out happier than the kids who have every reason in the world 2 be happy.
 i've been staring at the wall thinking about things like this my whole life. getting deeper and deeper into my thoughts and my views and how i really feel about certain subjects. and just so u no, i no not every 1 thinks like me. i no sum people will read this and totally disagree or get offended. but that is no reason 2 send me hate mail. so dont send me hate mail pleez. these r only the opinions of a crazy 12 year old girl with way 2 much time on her hands... ok, now that i've said that, let me get bak to the point.
 i guess wen the spoiled kids like me get a good dose of reality, they dont like it cause in reality, u have 2 work your butt off 2 get wut u really want. they r not used 2 this so they rebel and feel hopeless and get pissed off at the world and turn dark. but once again, this is only my opinion.
i think im dark is because the thing i really want in life, (at the time i wrote this i wanted to be in a famous band really bad) i have 2 work my ass off 4 and i really hate that cause im so not used 2 it. i no its sad but its the truth. i have 2 take risks and do things i dont wanna do so i can acomplish my goal and i dont like that and my only reactions to that is to get mad, sad, and confused. mommy and daddy cant buty sucsess 4 me. i have 2 do this on my own and that sux and i sound so spioled right now and im sorry but this is the only reason i can come up with that explains y im so dark at times. my first reaction 2 failure is to give up. i think kids who have really struggled in life dont have that reaction cause they no they can make it out and overcome cause they've probably done it b4. thats sum thing spoiled rotten punks like me dont have (in no way im i saying all punks r spoiled).
 i've always been an overachiever with out trying. wen i cant automaticly sucseed, tho, i usually give up and try the easiest way out. but dont get me wrong, im insanely greatful 4 all i have, but im still not happy, i stilll want more. im so spoiled. :(

-amy

  i love music. i dont no what i would do without it. i love it so much that i get really mad wen i see poeple abusing it.
  i h8 it wen i see people mouthing along to empty words. they no the words, but they dont no the meaning they just dont care. they are mindless zombies... no emotion or thought about what is pumping through there speakers. they just like the way it sounds. they dont notice the little guitar parts that set the song above the rest. they dont care about the lyrics that will give u a whole new perspective on life. they dont see that some genious had to write every note they hear. they r listening 2 sum 1s heart, mind, and soul and they r so oblivious.
 me, im a zombie of a different kind. im drownd in thought and sufacated with emotion when i listen to music. i dont like to listen to rap or hip-hop a lot any more cause the lyrics r usually all the same. now sum rap and hip-hop songs speak of contravercial isuses and mean a lot to many people... but most only talk about getting high or drunk or having sex with strangers. sure, they have good beats but they rn't really much 2 think about. sum people like that. sum people use music to sooth a restless mind or numb the pain from sum thing horrable that may have happend, and there is nothing wrong with that. i've done that b4, but usually i like music that really gets me thinking. even tho that sum times hurts me in the long run, but i will talk more about that in another journal.
 i love music with meaningfull lirics, emotional lyrics. i ususaly like emo music untill they freak out and yell about cutting themselves or shit like that. i h8 that. i think the reason y i like fall out boy so much. they have the perfect balance of emo lirics but they dont go overboard by doing things like i said above. but the reason y i love bands like fall out boy so much is cause i actually pay attention to the lyrics.my friends will go on and on about how much they like fallout boy but they dont even no wut the lirics r. they just like it cause it sounds good... witch it does. patrick has an incredible voice and writes amazing music and they all play so well, but there is so much genious witch gos unoticed. little things that sum body had to sit down and think of. i hear things in the music  that  would have never thought of in millions of years, but patrick came up with it so easily. i thing one of the big reasons i like him is cause he comes up with stuff that is so hard 4 me 2 come up with. its just, the fact that he can hear music b4 its played and write it down and be able 2 teach others how 2 play it is just amazing 2 me. the sad thing is tho, that  it is so amazing and wonderful and yet millions of kids who say they love fall out boy dont even realize it.they just never focused hard enuf, or thought hard enuf to notice it and realize... "wow. how did they come up with that?"... the same thing with the lyrics.they no the words but they dont no and dont care wut they mean. if only they knew... they would probably love fall out boy and other music as much as i do. they dont see those words in the songs as petes words. those words came straight from his heart and into patricks music and out of your head phones. those words r petes thoughts and feelings in patricks musical form. they r listening 2 sum 1s soul and they dont see it. how can they b so blind? dont they see the people behind the music? dont they see they rn't just listening to random sounds? they r listening 2 peoples hearts, minds, and souls and they dont no and they dont care.

- amy (i took this from a journal at home) 11-9-06

p.s. all of this is just my opinion and i no every 1 doesnt see it in the same way. i didnt mean 2 hurt, offend, or kill any 1 in any way. pleez dont hurt me.

ya so... my friend (who is only 11) is having a lot of problems right now. like suisidal problems and shes doing sum really stupid stuff and its really freaking me out. i just keep asking my self, "does she really think God put her on earth 4 nothing?" does she think shes just like a tv show 2 God? hes just sitting up there throwing crap at her and then lafing every time she is down? ya, i no wut u r thinking, "ya! you should be talking! like your some holly church gower who prays every night and crap like that! y should we listen 2 this messed up 12 year old preach 2 us about God?" well, i'll admit, im not perfect... im far from perfect actually. but im not messed up enuf 2 have suisidal thoughts and i dont understand how any 1 could have them. i no enuf 2 no that God put us on earth 4 a reason. we're not just put down here 2 be sad then fucking kill our selves by our 20th birthday. we're put on here 2 serve God in sum way. im defenetly not sum really religious person like sum other people, and i disobey God a lot... way more than i should. but if there is 1 thing i'll never do it is: disobey God by atempting suiside. no matter how fucked up i think my life is, i wont even think about suiside. i just no that God does every thing 4 a reason.if u r wondering y he let your life get all fucked up, u just have 2 have faith and believe that he did this 4 a reason. maybe if he makes u struggle through this shit, it will bring u 1 step closer 2 actually finding out wut he wants u 2 do. 1 step closer 2 learning how he wants u 2 serve him, and thats thr real meaning of life 2 me. and i think a lot of us, including me, 4get that much 2 often. we get mixed up in our emotions and we lose our heads. we lose our faith. we lose the fact that God has a plan 4 every 1 of us and we need 2 live our lives 2 its fullest lenth. i dont understand y any1 would want 2 cut there life short. there has 2 be at least 1 thing good in every fucked up life. think about every time you've started crying with lafter after your freind did some thing hilarious. would u want 2 give that up? think of your adorable pet and how good it feels 2 love it. would u really want 2 give that up? and dont u wanna see how your life ends up? dont u wanna see who u marry? dont u wanna see how many kidds you'll have? dont u wanna watch them grow up? and if stuff like that still doesnt change your mind about suiside... wut about all the people who love u? your family and friends... even when it doesnt seem like it, they love u. and they always will. think about how fucked up they'll be if u kill yourself... they love u. they want u 2 be with them till' the end. if u love them, u wont hurt them by hurting yourself.